Parenting

We’ve all seen it – a child throwing a fit or kicking and screaming while their families are out shopping. Most parents have seen their own child behave the same way from time to time. Yet, it’s common for people to react to this kind of behavior by blaming the parent.

Being a parent isn’t easy, and all parents are bound to make some mistakes. Different parents use different parenting techniques. Some parents try to negotiate. Others use “time-out.” Sadly, some parents become so frustrated and embarrassed by their child’s behavior that they resort to slapping, shaking or yelling at the child. Some seem to do nothing. However, believing that a child’s behavior problem is always the result of bad parenting is like believing poor grades are always the result of an ineffective teacher. Even the best teachers have students who get poor grades, and even the best parents can have a child with a behavior problem. The fact is that a behavior problem can be a sign of mental and emotional problems. Some parents do not have the knowledge, skills or support they need to help them manage a child’s behavior problem. Parents often are dealing with their own issues, such as going to school or planning a career, marriage, unemployment, poverty or illness. In spite of these challenges, all parents have strengths. Most know from experience what their child needs most. Parents are committed to both their child and their community. Parents are dedicated to helping children grow healthy and strong. Most of all, parents have a “built-in” motivation to do what’s best for their child. By building on these kinds of strengths, parents can develop better ways to take charge of their lives and to succeed. The key however, is to discover what those strengths are.

There is no “right way” to raise a child, but it is important for parents to communicate clear and consistent expectations for each child. These are a few suggestions that can help parents provide for children’s physical safety and emotional well-being:

• Do your best to provide a safe home and community for your child, as well as nutritious meals, regular health check-ups, and exercise.
• Be aware of stages in child development so you don’t expect too much or too little from your child.
• Encourage your child to express his or her feelings; respect those feelings. Let your child know that everyone experiences pain fear, anger, and anxiety. Try to learn the source of these feelings. Help your child express anger positively, without resorting to violence.
• Promote mutual respect and trust. Keep your voice level down – even when you don’t agree. Keep communication channels open.
• Listen to your child. Use words and examples your child can understand. Encourage questions. Express your willingness to talk about any subject.
• Provide comfort and assurance. Be honest. Focus on the positives.
• Look at your own problem-solving and coping skills. Are you setting a good example? Seek help if you are overwhelmed by your child’s feelings or behaviors or if you are unable to control your own frustration or anger.
• Encourage you child’s talents and accept limitations. Set goals based on your child’s abilities and interests – not someone else’s expectations. Celebrate accomplishments.
• Don’t compare your child’s abilities to those of other children; appreciate the uniqueness of your child.
• Spend time with your child on a regular basis.
• Encourage your child’s independence and self-worth. Help your child deal with life’s ups and downs. Show confidence in your child’s ability to handle problems and tackle new experiences.
• Discipline constructively, fairly, and consistently. Teach rather than punish. All children and families are different; learn what is effective for your child. Show approval for positive behaviors. Help your child learn from his or her mistakes.
• Love unconditionally. Teach the value of apologies, cooperation, patience, forgiveness, and consideration for others.
• Do not expect to be perfect; parenting is a difficult job.

There are many good materials available to help you be the kind of parent you want to be. Also, several resources are available to parents who have a child with a mental, emotional, or behavioral problem. For free information about mental health and publications, and referrals to local and national resources call 1-800-789-2647 (National Mental Health Knowledge Exchange Network); or access the web site: http//www.mentalhealth.org. This information is provided by the Center for Mental Health Services, Substance abuse and Mental Health Services Administration